The Art of Choosing

Ethel was married to an active alcoholic for 25 years. A quarter of a century living with a man whose life was centered around booze instead of around her. She said to me in a session one of the saddest things I have ever heard in my counseling career: "This is not what I had planned for my life.I never dreamed I would spend all my time with a drunk. Now I am almost 50 and look in the mirror and hardly recognize me anymore."

She looked 70. She was 48 years old.

It would have been cruel to ask her a very legitimate question: "Why did you let this happen to you?" It is not a question you ask on the first day of counseling. First, it IS cruel, despite being about as poignant as you can be. She will have to build up readiness for that question. Secondly, I knew her answer. I don't know. I heard that from my clients — almost every one of them. I don't know. I am clueless as to what has ruined my life. I don't know. Now come on! Of course you know the answer: You rolled over and played dead! You refused to take action. One cannot be faulted for that. We watched our passive parents reacting to pain. We did it all the way up to 22 when we married the "party boy" — "He was such fun!" and kept on reacting, narrowing our world down gradually until all that was left was suffering through each day. It was the only tool we had: Waiting.
Were I to write a perfect book on having a healthy life it would be titled with one word: Choices. It would be about the art of choosing. Choosing is actually an art as well as a science. The art is very real. The art of sculpting that thing called Your Life.